“Ethical behaviour is doing the right thing when no one else is watching—even when doing the wrong thing is legal.” - Aldo Leopold, American author and philosopher

On the very day that I convened a panel discussion for WOW (Women of the World) Australia at the Brisbane Festival themed "The Making of Men", the men who make up our government were grappling with this philosophical conundrum. In the case of Christian Porter, his decision to accept a million dollars from a blind trust to pay for his legal fees ended up being the un-making of his Ministerial career. For the time being!

*Michael speaks at ‘The Making of Men’, Momentum series, 2021. Image: Hastelow Photography.*

The Deputy PM, Barnaby Joyce, a man well accustomed to grasping nettles, was predictably bullish about Porter's future prospects. Barnaby of course is the pin-up boy for any redemption story. Did he not emerge triumphant from his brief stint in the 'sin bin' (pun intended if you think back to The Original Sin and the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden)? In his case, "blind trust" might also describe his ex-wife's expectations in marriage. To be fair, the Ministerial Code of Conduct expects Members to be faithful to their constituents but there is no expectation that it applies to being faithful to spouses!

I once heard a famous AFL footballer talk about his gambling habit and how he owed his redemption to a friend who trusted him to run his business. When he asked why this person would possibly trust a chronic gambler, the answer was simple. "I've seen the way you respect your wife. If you cheated on the person you love the most, I would never have trusted you with my business".

Michael Jeh and Gavin Webber at ‘Making of Men’. Image: Hastelow Photography.

Instead of navel-gazing about the making of men, perhaps we should be pondering the making of rules that govern the men who make the rules that govern the rest of us. Porter's eventual demise was not in response to the alleged rape (which he strenuously denies) but instead it was the perception of financial impropriety that led him to fall on his sword. Not surprisingly, Barnaby was quick to remind us that this is not actually illegal and that we should be lauding Porter for doing the honourable thing and resigning. Is that why politicians give themselves the title of The Honourable? Most Australians rate them as being amongst the least honourable profession, presumably because they try to pretend that when you are caught with your pants down, you deserve a pat on the bum for jumping before you are pushed.

Professional male sporting codes have similar views on ethics. Most of their scripted apologies for breaches of decency talk about how sorry they are. Sorry they were caught! The Australian cricket team caught cheating in Cape Town...It's not like they self-reported the indiscretion. They were caught with sandpaper in their pants. Literally. They initially denied it until the television footage made liars of them all. There was no honour in their subsequent mea culpa.

The NRL have this curious beast called The Integrity Unit (now there's a contender for the prestigious Oxymoron of The Year Award) which does an awful lot of investigating of integrity but rarely finds anything that's actually illegal. The sport itself has some odd views on where it stands when it comes to respecting women. They wear pink jerseys for one weekend each season but many of the teams are full of players who routinely disrespect women in the most fundamental ways.

Here's just one example. In the 2021 State of Origin series, Jai Arrow was dismissed from the Queensland team because he broke curfew and quarantine rules by allegedly smuggling an unauthorised female guest (not his partner) into his hotel room. For a sport that is reluctant to sack anyone on ethical grounds, they took rather a dim view of a player who betrayed the integrity of his own team-mates. When it involves disrespecting or compromising their own inner-sanctum, the repercussions are swift. He was sacked from the team for betraying the trust of his team but like the Jack De Belin case earlier in the year, there appears to be little value placed on betraying the trust of a girlfriend/partner.

Audeince members ask questions of the guests at ‘The Making of Men’, Momentum series, 2021. Image: Hastelow Photography. — *Audience members ask questions of the guests at ‘The Making of Men’, Momentum series, 2021. Image: Hastelow Photography.*

The QRL was angry about how the organisation was depicted by Arrow's behaviour. Being made to look "incompetent and shambolic" is clearly not a crime but that was enough to warrant his immediate expulsion. The coach, Paul Green, was apparently portrayed as an "irresponsible hack and that's just not right" fumed the indignant Chairman. To his credit, he "has some basic views on life. 'Would I do this if I was going to be caught? Things like ethics and values are really most appropriate when no one sees them." Clearly, Arrow didn't expect to be caught when he cheated on his partner but that wasn’t what bothered the QRL: his fatal error was cheating on quarantine rules that compromised his team-mates. Who happen to be men.

Where am I going with this? In this case, and in many other similar cases involving footballers (or politicians and celebrities), if the unethical behaviour involves hurting or damaging their mates, it normally invokes a harsh sanction even when it is not illegal. That hoary old chestnut is roasted on the fire - bringing the game into disrepute. Hush. Say it slowly. BRINGING THE GAME INTO DISREPUTE. It is a heinous offence, a non-negotiable. Thou must never betray your team-mates or bring the game (or political party) into disrepute. But when it comes to the hurt, betrayal or disrespect towards a woman, even if it is someone you claim to love, the standard defence is invoked. It's not illegal so we have to just let the courts do their thing. We stand by our man (until it is politically untenable). Or in the case of Cronulla footballer Josh Dugan, until he is no longer the matchwinner that we signed a few years ago, despite knowing his chequered history at time of signing contract.

We're back to The Original Sin, the sampling of forbidden fruit, the betrayal of a wife, partner, family. Sure, it's not illegal to play "away games" but is that less shameful than bringing the game into disrepute? For those of us who work in DV education, we begin with the premise that it all begins with gender equality. What does emotional respect look like, sound like, feel like? Does betraying the trust and fidelity of your partner not count for anything? Many of the violent men we deal with in Behaviour Change programs have one thing in common - a betrayal of trust towards the women they claim to love. The distasteful and dangerous "bros before hoes" expression is at the heart of this notion that the worst thing you can do is to abandon your male friends especially if the woman is only a 'ho' (slang for whore). Why are we surprised that men with these attitudes might hurt women? Bros before hoes, remember?

Michael talks with MATE Ambassador Rhys Carrol and his wife, Danielle. Image: Hastelow Photography

This is a call to arms for all the good men out there. We need you to start calling out these double-standards. If we're going to keep making men by judging them on what's not illegal rather than what's ethical and decent, we continue to perpetuate a culture where true gender equality is a document, a Code of Conduct, an excuse for some men to give each other a free pass for simply not being caught. Is sorry for being caught the same as simply being sorry? Not everything needs to be illegal for it to be a breach of (blind) trust.

It reminds me of the famous golfer Bobby Jones who was congratulated for calling a shot on himself when he was hidden away in the trees in a playoff for the 1925 US Open. Puzzled, he replied "you may as well praise a man for not robbing a bank." Where are men of this calibre made? Not in the bastions of male privilege in contemporary Australia I daresay.

By the way, there was no fairytale ending. Jones lost that US Open by one shot. Doing the right thing doesn't always make you a winner. But that's not the same thing as being a loser. I use this example when I work with schoolboys on matters of integrity, especially when it comes to calling out your mates when they show early signs of disrespecting females. I've faced this in my own life - I've had to grapple with perhaps losing a friend in return for surrendering my integrity.

When we're being introspective about the making of good men, perhaps this famous line could become the basis for our Codes of Conduct. If you have integrity, nothing else matters. And if you don't have integrity...nothing else matters.